After a particularly difficult week towards the hopeful end of a dark and gloomy winter. I had in my mind the ideas of finishing up the end of the school year, making sure we had covered everything that we needed to cover and "then some", just to make sure my kids kept way ahead of the game. And as usual with me, one great project idea leads to tens of thousands of others and I'm off and running before I've even finished the first idea.
Well, after the winter months of cooking, dragging out every toy we've ever owned, sewing, schooling, time lines, french etc., etc. my house is in complete chaos. It hit me like a ton of bricks. You would have thought that I hadn't even been there for months. :) It really did just sneak up on me.
Now, yes, it was somewhat picked up and barely livable, and we could smooth it over if we had company coming over, but, for me, I usually rearrange, paint, change some pictures, clean out each bedroom. But, with my total focus being on the kids, and only the kids, I didn't have time to do any deep cleaning, (sorting old clothes, packing away old toys to make room for the new Christmas ones, finding a place for all of my new fabric, yarn, homeschool books I just had to have) or experimenting with power tools while my husband was at work. I think re-covering my kitchen chairs is as far as I got, for the whole winter.
To make an already long story a bit shorter. I started feeling this, overwhelming failure feeling creeping up on me. And I kept focusing on all the things that I hadn't done, the housework that multiplies behind your back, or the really cool projects that could have went with that lesson we just finished, the paint in the hallway had still not been trimmed out after almost 2 yrs, the hands and feet prints on that same hallway paint, that really should have been repainted, the schedule we should have been following for science was behind, did we do enough math this year, it goes on and on. We just had one birthday party, and in 2 weeks we have another one, then another one after that, my husband may or may not be off work, then he may or may not be going out of town at the end of March, and on and on and on my thoughts went this way.
Until I decided, I will just buckle down and get it done, I can do it, all of it, I'm not tired, if I get it all done, then I won't be a failure . . . was my final thoughts on it. I was determined. So I kept staying up late night after night after night, and still very little progress (5 very active, hungry, questioning kids and one that refuses to go to bed). I was beginning to really get truly tired.
So, tonight I just kept praying, as I was crawling around on the floor at 2:00am looking for things that my youngest might choke on and trying to stifle a scream when I landed all my weight with my knee on the worlds most dangerous and deadly LEGO!!! Knowing, in the back of my mind, that within 20 minutes of the kids waking up this midnight crawling was a joke, but I wanted to do my best. I would be okay if I did my best and if I do my best, they will all do their best. . . . . .and I will not have failed. It was becoming to hard to hold back the tears.
I thought okay God, what have I done, please you must tell me. I don't understand, I'm doing the best I can. I'm putting 210% into my family, kids, homeschooling, I take very little time for myself, why can't I just see some progress? What am I doing wrong? Please God, just tell me so I know what to do!!!
I had received a voicemail earlier and decided I would set down and email them a response. I started to delete some of my email groups because they get kind of full quick, when I notice an email that mentions the name of the author of our science curriculum, (which we were behind on), . . ." oooh, maybe she had a miraculous idea that would help me do better ". . . .I thought to myself . . .
Here is what the email contained:
I read this today and thought it might speak to some of you as it did me.
Melanie in CA
(Jeannie Fulbright is the author of Apologia's elementary science curriculum.)
Guarding Our Thoughts
By Jeannie Fulbright
In my last post, I talked about the temptation to feel overwhelmed. I have been wanting to address this lately because I know what it is to get overwhelmed. I also have discovered a way to protect myself from this emotion. When I walk through my house, I can easily become overwhelmed.
I realized this one day as I passed by a tremendously messy closet filled with books. On the floor, I spied a stack of standardized practice tests that I had never given to my children. In an instant,that emotion of being overwhelmed began to wash over me, like a darkpresence entering my entire body. Normally, I would have received that emotion and walked on with whisperings of despair clouding my day. But right at that moment, I turned away from it. I basically resisted the temptation and literally turned my face away from the reminder of my inability to "do it all" and I turned my thoughts away from the lies that I'm not succeeding at homeschooling.
Over the weeks, this temptation has arisen several times. When I saw the the Latin book lying upside down on a broken shelf in the hallway, both the broken shelf and the unused book scream their insult at me. But I turned away from the negative thoughts that were spewing through my mind.
No, I didn't give my kids standardized practice tests, we failed to use that Latin book and I may have to throw that shelf away if it keeps accusing me like that. But, all of that does not make me a failure. I cannot let undone projects, plans or curriculum rob me of my peace. Neither should you.
So, we are big planners and big dreamers; that's a good thing - as long as we don't get down on ourselves for not doing all we planned or reaching all our dreams. Planning and dreaming are important. It causes us to move forward, closer to our goals. But it's so important to guard our thoughts from the accusations that we are not measuring up because we have not accomplished domestic success in some area or perfection in our homeschooling dreams and plans.
We need to believe that God is truly God over our lives, our homeschool and our children. Perhaps it was not His perfect will that I make my children work through those practice tests. Perhaps He doesn't want us to study Latin yet, or ever. As one of his precious children, He has promised to lead me and guide me. I'm believing that I'm in the center of His will and being led by Him, even when I don't fulfill my big ideas and grandious plans. I can rest in Him, trusting that we are on the right track - even when I don't "feel" like it.
I'm not supposed to be leaning on my own understanding anyway...
"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." Proverbs 3:5
If I were to lean on my own understanding, I would certainly think I should be doing much more, accomplishing much more, reaching all my dreams and fulfilling all my big plans. I think God's more interested in giving us rest - while we are more interested in being supermom and creating superkids and being a family of superheroes. Yet, He came so that we could enter into His rest. Rest for our souls.
"Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Matthew 11:29
So, next time I walk by that enormously cluttered and disorganized closet with hundreds of great homeschool products I'll never have time to use even if I homeschooled a hundred years, I plan to quote that Scripture, breathe a sigh of relief and allow Him to bring rest to my soul.
At 3:00am in Ohio, through a homeschool mom I've never met who is from California, and the author of our science curriculum . . . (out of 673 emails in that file, what were the chances of me clicking on that one at that very moment of need?)
God not only heard my prayer, he answered it when I needed it most. Sometimes, I guess, it takes"crawling" to get you just a little bit closer to God.
For those of you who think I'm crazy for homeschooling all these kids, and wonder how I do it. Here's a fine example of why and how I can keep going, it's not me . . . it's Him.
